Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Well Sh*t. Part 2 of 2

Earlier this week, I wrote about trash in Japan.  Mostly so I could set the stage to talk about dog poop in Japan.  That’s what we’re going to do here.  If you’d like to read part one of this post, click [HERE].  If you’d like to read about something more pleasant than poop, I suggest [these little cuties].

If your dog is roughly 10x the size of a normal Japanese dog…  we’re stuggle-bussing when it comes to Mac’s poop, is what I’m saying.
(get it? ‘cause they’re on the magic bus and we’re talking about poop so...?)

The first few times we took Mac out to poo here, we picked it up in a plastic baggie, and failing to find any public trash cans, we brought it back to outside our apartment, put it in the combustible pile at the trash pick up space, and called it good.  This got rid of  the poop, but we started receiving extra scrutiny from our neighbors about how we were putting trash in the trash spot on not that kind of trash’s day.  Dogs poop every day folks, what am I supposed to do?

I asked our relocation experts, but somehow this was not a question they had previously fielded in their years of bringing families of expats into Japan.  They said they’d do some research and get back to me.  Mac wasn’t exactly going to hold it for research.

The third day we were here, I took Mac for a walk with the express purpose of finding another dog owner and tailing that person and their dog until the inevitable happened… so I could learn through observation.  Not creepy at all.

 don’t worry, I’ve only followed you for 10 blocks because I want to see your dog poooooop!

You know what happened!?  That tiny dog pooped, and while it pooped the dude who walked her made like he was too busy on his phone to have noticed she just dropped a dookie.  WHICH WORKED JUST FINE FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS DOG IS SO TINY ITS POOPS LOOK LIKE SOMEONE DROPPED A PIECE OF ADORABLE DIRT-FLAVORED GUM.  It was too minuscule to spot unless you actually watched the dog make her deposit, so he safely walked away without cleaning up after his pup.  That dude is a bad example of a Japanese personality.

My dog makes poops bigger than this dog.  Poops that will not go so unnoticed.  
(This dramatic reenactment is to scale.)

Meanwhile, I got Mac registered with the ward office (I also got myself registered.  So we’re official residents.  That’s fun), and got his ADORABLE Nagoya dog license.  

(he's a legit dog now.)
I also got a “dog starter pack” from the ward office, which included a pack of flushable tissues.  I asked why, and the office worker was nice enough to explain (without looking at me like I was an idiot for not just knowing), that you use the tissues to pick up dog poo, then flush it down your toilet.  

AH HA!  I have unlocked the mystery!  I was so excited that I almost skipped home.  And then I started to think about the logistics of that set up.

...Okay, so if you have a tiny dog, your tiny dog’s poops maybe fit in one handful of tissue.  And maybe they wouldn’t be super offensive to hold onto while you ride an elevator up 11 floors with other people from your building so you can flush it in your toilet.


I know that’s not the case for anything this dude makes.
(side note: I’ve gotten really into knitting in the last few weeks, 
because it’s the year of the sheep, so yarn is stupid cheap.)

I said as much to our relocation people (who were STILL researching… do they think he poops once a month like a sloth?)
(actually, considering how much he sleeps, he could be part sloth, I don’t know.)
and their immediate suggestion was “why don’t you just have him use a potty pad in your apartment then?”

One more time, Mac is a big dog.  I’m not keen on having him pee on a pad inside the house.  I managed to prove this point to myself by buying a whole bag of the biggest size potty pads we could find and putting them on our balcony.  He is too big to properly aim.  He missed… ALL of the potty pads.  He tried.  He really did.  But everything ended up like an inch too far to the right.  hm.

When I finally heard back from research, I didn’t get much more in the way of answers beside “oh yeah, you totally are expected to just hold an oversized handful of dog crap in a tissue on a ride up the elevator to flush it in your own apartment.  Good luck with that.

It’s too much for my puny American mind to fathom!  So I improvised a different system:

Step 1:  In a frustrated huff, walk to the pet store with Mac so they can see just how big he is (optional step 1.5: show off his tricks, have everyone gush over him).  Explain to the store clerk in the most disgusting game of charades ever how massive your dog’s poops are, and how you just holding it in a napkin on the elevator ride is probably not going to work well.
Step 2:
Step 3: Profit!
(this joke will never not be funny) Have the clerk show you the most miraculous set of pet supplies ever:  Flushable poop BAGS, and a vinyl coated “discreteness drawstring bag”
Step 4:  When Mac poops, I pick it up in the flushable bag, turn the plastic inside out, and place it in the discreetness drawstring bag to take home.  Then flush and throw the plastic piece away in burnables.
Step 5:  Finally feel normal about picking up after my dog!
Horray!  Bring on the poop!  

Which is good, because Mac has been having some jet-lag issues in the bowel department.  His internal poo-clock has yet to adjust, so he does really well most of the time, but every once in a while he just “OMG HAS TO GO RIGHT THIS SECOND.”  He’s kept it all outdoors, but we’ve had close calls.  He even managed to poop on this really old tree in the park that is so special it has it’s own dedication plaque… in front of school children… while making a horrific cartoon-style fart noise just so everyone would for-sure notice him.  We’re never going back to the park.

Have you ever had a pet related faux-paux?  (or faux-paw if you’re punny?) Tell me in the comments!

today’s little language lesson

ごめんなさい! 私の 犬は 作らうんち
gomenasai! watashi no inu wa tsukura unchi!
I’m sorry!  My dog made a poop!

In closing- I saw this ad in a pharmacy near the house and I had to physically make myself not laugh out loud.
I'll be really honest that I'm not 100% on what it's advertising, but I'm pretty sure it's a laxative.  
Or a poop to poop dating website.  One of those.  (OMG don't google that.)

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