Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Choose Your Own Adventure Sleepy-Time.


Ugh***.  I am not at all a morning person.  Not even with 1% of my being.  We're talking negative percents.  Black holes of percents.  I loathe mornings.  But we've covered this before here.  Conversely, we've covered that The Mister is totally a morning person.  Other than the implied "I'm kinda cranky with him when he wakes me up*," however, I don't think we've explored that combination.

  • If you choose to come along with me on this sleepless adventure, keep reading.
  • If you're going all "meh, that sounds stupid."  Well then, I don't really know how you got here in the first place.  Also I'm cranky, so bugger off.
Last night, I was faced with a challenging conundrum:  The Mister has got the sniffles.
If you have a significant other, who you also share a bed with, you may see my concerns.  We have two sleeping-appropriate spaces in our home; our bed, and the futon in the guest bedroom.  While a nice futon, it does not compare to sleeping on an actual mattress.  This is not astounding information that's blowing anyone's mind, I'm sure - it's just the nature of a futon.  But when faced with a sniffly husband, you must choose the lesser of two evils:
  • If you choose to sleep next to a man who is going to loudly sniffle snot all night, go to A.
  • If you choose to sleep on the futon, go to B
A.  Lights out, "G'nite, I Love You's" have been uttered.  Yet, you cannot sleep because it seems that your spouse's nose is set on a timer that coincides perfectly with your "just on the edge of falling asleep" feeling.  Right as you hit that precipice, the SNRRRT! erupts inches from your ear.  You make it a half hour like this before grab your pillow and head for the futon.  Nice try- gold star for wife effort.  Go to B.

B.  It's too late and you're too tired to bother with making the bed up properly.  You grab a collection of pillows and blankets and just make a cocoon on the futon.  At least you don't have to share your blankets with anyone.  That's nice, right?  The cat hops up on the futon and insists your one free arm pet him for the rest of infinity.  If you stop, he nips you.  So you scratch his head absentmindedly until you slip into dream land.  When you wake up, you realize you fell asleep with the cat pinning your arm down at an unnatural angle (think Mayhem in that one commercial where he plays the cleaning maid who falls down the stairs backwards), and your shoulder is JACKED right the eff up.  


You'll consider amputating your arm by gnawing it off before the pins-and-needles effect wears away.  But you lose the opportunity when the dog's "there's a people who is awake" ESP goes off and he bounds into the guest bedroom hoping that you'll get up and feed him at 4am.  Because he is, like, starving.  Even though you fed him more kibble than you should have last night.  And then gave him a bunch of treats at bedtime.  And he took an old hamburger out of the trash while you were at work yesterday.  When you tell him to knock it off and go back to bed, he takes this as an invitation to squeeze onto the little futon with  you and the cat.  You get to uncomfortably go back to sleep after only 30-35 minutes of refereeing the battle for bed-space between the dog and cat, so you've got that going for you.

Twenty-ish minutes later, 5am -or as your husband refers to it "morning"- rolls around.  You hear his alarm go off from the bedroom across the hall.  Grumbling and rolling over, you also hear him hit snooze.
  • If you are the type of person who hits snooze anywhere between 3 and 1000 times, and thus sets the alarm for a full half hour prior to when you actually HAVE TO get up, go to hell C.
  • If you are the type of person who likes to have uninterrupted, REM cycle-inducing sleep right up until you really truly have to get out of bed, go to D.
C.  Hmm.  Maybe if you lived by yourself, but you're not just waking YOU up every 10 minutes (FYI, you can't make yourself go back to that dream with Eva Mendez, and a proper REM cycle takes 20 minutes), you're waking up your spouse, the cat who decided this is an appropriate time to request he be let outside by scream-yowling at the back door, and the dog who is now acting like he is so food-deprived that his stomach is digesting itself.  I love you husband, and so I am grateful that my morning state of alertness doesn't allow my mouth to function properly, or you would have heard me yell "I WILL END YOU" instead of just making incoherent grumpy mumble-noises.  In any case, you resolve to be in charge of cooking dinner for your wife tonight, because it will make up at least in small part, for her tired**, and also because you know she loves you so very much, even though she just straight hoed you out on a blog post (she couldn't think of anything else to write about).  -THE END-

D.  You know where it's at, sister-friend.  Not that it matters.  Because your significant other's alarm has been going off for the last half hour.  Once he finally gets up, you've got exactly 20 minutes to snuggle into the actual bed instead of the futon, until your alarm goes off.  Just for sh*ts, because you're already exhausted so why not, you decide to hit snooze on your own alarm just to see.  Apparently your phone is set to snooze for only 5 minutes.  A window of time that could not be more useless.  You forgive your phone, though, because it's still way better than that hooker, Siri, your husband totes around (Soon, Siri.  Soon.)  

You get ready in a daze by throwing on the first clean piece of clothing you see (making sure it's a dress because that's only one piece of clothing and then you don't have to try and "match" it to anything else).  Then trudge downstairs to throw some oatmeal in the microwave and feed the 'emaciated' dog.  Fifteen minutes later you realize that your usual morning routine of checking e-mail and facebook is not holding your attention properly because you're that tired**.  You have 10 minutes left before you have to leave for work.


  • If you keep on with your morning routine of internetting, go to E.
  • If you start to think crazy thoughts like, "I could go back to bed for 10 minutes," go to F.

E.  You open your regular bookmarks in your browser.  You can't quite make yourself laugh at your usual webcomics. But there's a new video on Harto's channel, so that's kinda fun.  You wake up 3 minutes later and have no idea how the time passed while your eyes were closed like that.  You just blinked, right?  You decide to set an alarm on the computer just in case, and lay down on the bed with the laptop at your side to go through your Facebook updates.  Go to F.

F.  You know this is a horrible idea.  It's only going to make you more tired.  But the pillow looks so fluffy you wanna die. You set an alarm on your computer for the exact moment you need to leave the house to still be on time.  You lay down on your bed with the computer at your side.  You are instantly asleep.  Two seconds later the alarm goes off.  You didn't set like, a program or anything on your computer, you just googled "free alarm clock online," which is a new thing to you.  Thus, you were wholly unprepared for the horrific noise this website would deem an alarm, and fall off the other edge of the bed trying to escape its screeches in your face.  

Picking yourself off the floor, you have the wherewithal to congratulate yourself on not instinctively shoving your computer off the opposite side of the bed- as your husband would probably get upset about that.  Grab your keys, purse, and a water bottle, and get into your death-trap of a Ford Explorer.  As Dora roars to life in much the same manner that you roared yourself awake a mere 30 seconds ago trying to escape an alarm clock, you have the brief realization that you are not fully awake, and thus probably an unsafe driver.  But you're not awake enough to care.  You slowly pull out of your driveway and hit the trash can out for collection on the curb.  The ensuing light "bup" noise terrifies the ever-living crap out of you, and after righting the trash bin and shakily getting back into Dora the Explorer, you drive to work fully awake and alert.  You are the perfect driver, hands on 10 and 2, eyes on the road, checking the mirrors every 3-5 seconds, using blinkers.
I'm sorry, trash bin.


After arriving at work, your adrenaline goes back on strike, and you find yourself sitting at your desk staring at a leaf on the sidewalk outside the window until your coworker asks if "everything's okay with you?"  This is when the realization that you FORGOT TO DRINK COFFEE hits you.  Thankfully, you have five dollars cash and a coworker who is about to go run errands.  She happily agrees to snag you a giant latte while she's out.  Half an hour later, what looks like a big-gulp of coffee is in front of you on your desk, and you are able to return to a state of somewhat normal human functioning.  As you while away the work day, you hope your husband, whom you love very much, cooks you dinner.  -THE END.-

How does your morning Choose Your Own Adventure end?  
What options are you usually faced with?
Tell me in the comments!

*I will be the first person to admit that this is a horrible understatement.

**I know I'm griping a bunch about being tired here.  And I know that there are people out there who are more tired than me.  They handle it far, FAR better than me.  AND super kudos to them, but this here is my blog.

***I totally made a second blog post last week.  Apparently I forgot to hit "post."  Whoops.  But this one is funnier, so we'll go back to that other post on Wednesday.

3 comments:

Queen Holly the Magnificent said...

The thing my husband does that I do not so is set multiple alarms. Which is fine, sometimes one fails to go off or you forget to hit snooze. So he staggers them to go off in about five minute intervals. This is again okay, except when he forgets to turn them off and I get blasted with extremely loud DJ music.

What's worse is that when is working I am not, he has been known to LEAVE THE HOUSE and not turn them all off. Sending me on a 5am scavenger hunt.

Danielle said...

Just reading this made me up my coffee intake for the day. My husband was the type to spend the whole night snoring. I could not sleep. Then he found out he had sleep apnea, now he wears a mask. I can officially sleep. It's heavenly. Until he gets sick and can't wear it. Then I find the couch.

Kp said...

OH my goodness Holly, I can say with absolute certainty that I would never be able to live with your hubs. Multiple alarms. Boo.

Is the mask super loud? I mean, I guess not if you sleep though it.