Monday, July 08, 2013

Big Booty

Things are a bit of a mess here at KpQuePasa headquarters.

First for those who wonder, little Miss Addie Pants is still with us.  In an unfortunate/ fortunate turn of events, the poor little dear split a nail last week, right up to her nail bed.  It was pretty gross looking, and after a quick trip to the vet, Addie came out with 1 less toe-nail (it'll grow back), a bootie to wear until it heals, antibiotics to keep any bacteria she walked in from making her sick, some medicated ear-drops for the double yeast infection the vet caught while we were there, and a resolution that the Mister and I will long-term foster her, because we didn't want to put her back in the shelter while she was being treated... and because she's turned around so much we couldn't bear for that progress to back-track at all.  Who saw that coming. You can all smugly smile and nod right now, because that seems to be everyone's reaction so far... but we really didn't see that happening until it did.  *le sigh*

Anyway, while Addie's been bopping around our house in her bootie, something out in nature bloomed, so my nose hasn't stopped running like a leaky faucet since last night sometime.  The kind of senseless nose-running that makes you want to put a tampon up your nose to end the senseless torrent of sniffling.

But that's not really what's buggin' me.  Bugging.  Get it?  Because MOSQUITOES.  Sometime over the weekend all the mosquitoes hatched.  All of them. Ever.  And they were all like "hey, let's go bite that gal over there, she looks tasty."
I want this so hard.

I would say I'm exaggerating, but then... when was the last time you woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep because your feet itched so badly you wanted to cry?  *My best Seinfeld impressionHey guys, what's the deal... with these mosquitoes? Am I right?  
Because seriously those bugs are not only out in force, but the bites seem to be effecting me more than mosquito bites usually do - swelling much more into almost welt-like proportions, and itching so badly I have sincerely debated shaving them off on purpose.*  I BLAME GLOBAL WARMING.   AL GORE WAS RIGHT.

Of course there isn't a Walgreen's open at 2AM, and of COURSE we didn't have any anti-itch stuff in the house.  So a quick Google search for home bug bite remedies by the light of my phone ended in me, at 2AM, slathering toothpaste on my feet and then covering them with bandaids, so the toothpaste didn't smear on the bed sheets.  And then I put on socks, because mint-scented, bandaid-covered feet just looked ridiculous, and mismatched (I picked them out of the sock drawer at 2AM in the dark) socks clearly help.

After weathering that weekend of itchy feet (there were bites on the soles of my feet even!  how does that happen!?  smarmy little jerks), and convincing myself I must have West Nile Virus after all of that (or just a headache caused by the muggy weather), I stole outside to pick some raspberries out of the garden for my lunch today.  Immediately I was swarmed by the little harbingers of plague.  

Mumbling obscenities like the father from A Christmas Story, I swatted around my face.  I killed one (out of 100).  I was triumphant.  I held it's little corpse in the air as an example to it's peers and shouted "HA!  KISS MY ASS, MOSQUITOES!"**

The mosquitoes, apparently, heard that not as an insult.  But as an invitation.
Long story short, here I sit, writing this post, trying with all my might to concentrate on typing this instead of scratching the three GIANT mosquito-bite welts on my booty.  Yes welts.  With an S, signifying there are multiple bugs that took me up on the offer. There are so many bites on my ass that I almost don't notice the one on my eyebrow that has swelled enough to make me look like Sloth from the Goonies.  We'll go ahead and call that a silver lining.

What's your worst bug-bite encounter?
Any good home-remedies that I could try? 
(the Mister got sick of my whining last night and went out to get me hydrocortizone cream, but it's just not cutting into the booty-bites like I need it to.)

*I've never done it on purpose before, but that doesn't mean I've never done it.  I know I'm not alone, have you ever accidentally shaved your legs and gotten a mosquito bite by mistake?  It hurts, but then... one less mosquito bite to itch, you know?
**My French, pardon it please.  I only wanted to retell the story as honestly as it happened.


Anonymous said...

I've tried the apple cider vinegar before but it stings really bad if you've itched them open. Good luck!!

Queen Holly the Magnificent said...

Okay this is gonna sound really, really weird and also like a bad idea. But my dad swore, SWORE by putting meat tenderizer on his bug bites.

I know. I KNOW right?

Like maybe he was on the bugs side all along and is just trying to tender us up for the invasion of the mosquito king.


Kp said...

OoOOo. these are both interesting suggestions. Do you make the tenderizer into a paste? like... how does it stick to the bite?

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

My trick is to stay close to friends who have bad circulation. Mossies like high levels of carbon dioxide in the blood, so they'll go for the person with bad circulation first.

Kp said...

well that makes a lot of sense. good luck finding someone with worse off circulation than me...