Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Best Friends Fur-ever.

Do you ever see something on the internet and just have a super visceral reaction to it?
No?  That's just me?  Maybe I should spend less time on the internet.

But whatever.  So this popped up on my tumblr feed the other day.  And I immediately shrieked "Ahh noooo! no no no no no!" and threw my computer a few feet away ala Penny realizing her horrible addiction to MMORPGs.

When I was but a child, my family had two cats:  Reggie and Otis.

Reggie was a black short-haired cat with a little white patch on his chest.  He was not timid, but he wasn't exactly a fan of small children either, so I didn't have a whole lot of interaction with him, because he had access to places higher than I could reach.

Otis was a "well-fed" brown tabby that my mum had saved from the pound (aka the local vet clinic where she worked that doubled as shelter for abandoned critters) because he was about to be put down for overcrowding, and also because at the time she was convinced that Reggie needed a friend.

Otis loved literally anyone. So much so that when I was  a baby, my parents had to put a screen door on my bedroom so Otis didn't sneak in at night to "snuggle," and accidentally smother me in his folds of tubby tabby-ness.  I give you all this context because logically then when I became a ripe old age of four and decided I needed to claim one of these two cats as my BFF, you might not have thought I would cast Reggie in this role.

And though Otis was probably sitting next to me on the couch when I made the decision of needing a bestie, I tracked down and dragged Reggie back into the living room for this meaningful crowning of BFF title.

You'll have to excuse me, as I was a toddling kid, my memory isn't what it should be.  I have no idea how I managed to catch Reggie in my stubby little hands.  I do remember that I didn't have an actual friendship bracelet to share with Reggie.  But I did have a hair-tie.

Specifically, I had THESE things:

Once around was too big for Reggie's svelte little cat-wrist.  So I did it twice.  Maybe three times.  I don't remember quite how many.  But I made sure it was snug and wasn't coming off.  Then I re-released poor Reggie into the wild living room, he tore off for the sanctuary of my parent's bedroom,* and I went back to arranging pizza tables for my My Little Ponies, with Otis leisurely playing the role of "mountain the ponies all had to trot over to get to their stable."

don't even lie, I said pizza table and you knew EXACTLY what I was talking about.

The rest of the story I was not actually present for, but I've had it retold to me about a thousand times, so I feel confident that I can reasonably pass it on to you.  Somewhere around 3 or 4 in the morning, my parents awake to a horrible, agonized yowl coming from under the bed.

[if you have never heard a cat properly yowl before and would like to know exactly what Reggie sounded like, click HERE.  Also if you are at work or near other cats, turn your speakers down just a tish.  I've warned you. Bubba was less than pleased]

Poor, traumatized Reggie had hidden under the bed all day, while my BFF bracelet had cut off all the circulation to his toes.**  His paw had swollen to the size of a baseball, and upon her first inspection, my mother was fairly certain she'd be taking him to the emergency vet to amputate his leg.

Thankfully, there is a happy ending to this tale:  Mum was able to use a scissors to snip the band on Reggie's paw, then massage the blood flow back to his little jelly-bean toes, all while he continued to scream.  Because there's no way to explain to a cat that the pins and needles tingling one feels as circulation returns to an area that was previously "asleep" or "that had been banded off by a small child" was a good sign and meant he was going to be okay.

Reggie got to keep his foot.
In the morning I got a long talk about how kitties are our friends, but they do not wear jewelry.  Ever.
And Reggie spent the rest of his days (another 11 or so years) avoiding me like the plague.  I can't say I blame him.

Moral of the story?  Don't put a BFF bracelet on your cat's foot.  It's not cute; it's horrific.  Also if you're old enough that you have the finger dexterity to MAKE a bracelet for your cat like that picture, you are old enough to go outside and meet real people to be your BFF.  You should probably do that instead.

How do you let your pets know you're BFFs?
Were you ever a horrible child to your pet?
Do you have a good Child - Pet story? 
Tell me in the comments!

*Obviously, kids see rules as things to be bent and broken.  But the one rule I don't think I ever once broke?  Mom & Dad's bedroom is off limits.  For-bodden.  Cat's under the bed in there?  Well then the cat is safe.  I still feel weird about being in any parent's bedroom.  

**Once, the Mister told me a story about his childhood dog.  As a small child, he decided to pierce her ears, and she, being apparently the CHILLEST dog on the planet, let him do it.  I remember thinking at the time "Oh my god you were a horrific child"  but as I wrote this post it occurred to me that I should probably apologize for that initial jump to conclusion.  So... sorry Mister.  Apparently we were BOTH horrific children. <3


Queen Holly the Magnificent said...

My parents didn't let me have many pets as a child, so my ability to do to things to them was pretty limited. Although I did have a pet rat in collage that would drink beer with me.

Jen Anderson said...

I knew exactly what you meant by pizza table. And that is one tasty looking pizza.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

Oh dear ... I tried to put a wee little witches hat on Gypsy the Feline Dictator the other day and she opened up a can of kitty whoop ass on me. I don't even want to know what she'd do if I tried to put a friendship bracelet on her arm.

And yes, I do have a cat sized witches hat. She looked adorable for the five seconds she was wearing it.

Danielle said...

I used to dress up my animals and draw pictures as "scenery" then take pictures of them. I needed more friends...

Kp said...

I've always wanted a rat! They're ridic. smart - though I wonder how that changes with beer consumption. :)

I'm pretty sure Gypsy was beyond adorable. From what I know she seems quite gorgeous all on her own.

Danielle, I have a whole roll of film somwhere of the day I decided to be a "professional" photographer and stuffed my cats in a picnic basket because I thought it looked cute. Except all their pictures they're sitting in the baskets uncomfortably, miliseconds from bolting, and with their ears back. They were super glamor shots.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I wanted a rat too!! But my mother said a hell-to-the-no to that lol. That pizza has made me hungry.I hope you have a great weekend!

Thirsty, Nerdy, Cats said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thirsty, Nerdy, Cats said...

I am catching up on my favorite blogs this afternoon instead of cleaning my house on my day off and I am laughing so hard at this that I literally have big fat alligator tears rolling down my face. In fact, I just woke up the cat who was sleeping peacefully in the next room. She just peaked her head around the corner, gave me a nasty look, and stalked upstairs. Presumably to find herself a friendship bracelet.