Friday, January 13, 2012

An invitation to ride along in my head.

aka - I drove the explorer for the first time today.

I need a name for the Explorer - I feel like we're going to have a
long friendship and I can't just treat it like any other inanimate object.
The more ridicul-awesome it is, the better.

  • I have to drive the car today. It's been here at the house for two entire days and I haven't touched it. Fiance went through a lot of hard work to get it here for me, and now I'm too chicken to actually drive? Lame.
  • But what if I get in a car crash all by myself?
  • It's almost the weekend. He's going to make me drive everywhere this weekend. I mean, he should.
  • But then he'll be along for the first ride. And he'll probably try to give me directions that he thinks I should be concentrating on when I'd rather be 100% EYES ON THE ROAD. And then I'll get flustered and yell and we'll get in a "nothing fight."
  • God I'm a wuss today. GET IN THE DAMN CAR, KP.
  • I'm going to drive today. And I don't have to go anywhere in particular, I'll just drive the safe and unoccupied streets around the house.
  • Go put some pants on before you wuss out again. Geeze.
  • Pants - check.
  • Garage opener - check.
  • Car and house keys - check.
  • Mac to give me a false sense of security about the whole process - check.
why is the car not fun moving yet mom?
  • Ooo. We have mail.
  • What the - I missed a package? I absolutely did not miss a package. I missed a jerk-wad mailman who doesn't ring the doorbell because he doesn't like talking to the girl lacking fluency in Spanish. I haven't driven the car yet. You know what that means? That means I have been in this house for 4 entire days straight. And even if I didn't hear the bell, Mac would have and I would hear Mac. Missed a package my ass.
  • I am totally going to complain to his supervisor, this is the second time we've gotten one of these stupid slips while I KNOW I WAS HOME and he didn't ring! ...or at least I would complain about it... if I knew how to have that conversation in Spanish. Bother.
  • Well... I spose I should maybe drive to the post office then.
  • Bitter, party of one, plus a confused dog.
  • Do I know how to get to the post office? Yes. But what if I... NO. NO I'M GOING. BIG GIRL PANTIES, ENGAGE.
  • Seatbelts!
  • Aaaaaand we've driving.
  • I should have adjusted the mirrors before I started driving.
  • And the seat.
  • And the- what is this crappy station C left the radio on? Er - FOCUS. 10 and 2. Eyes on the road, yo.
  • I know I've seen Fiance do this a million times but this road is bananas. Where the hell should I actually be driving?!
  • OH GOD SPEED BUMP. sorry Mac. You okay buddy?
  • He's fine, we're fine, everybody's fine. Okay, right turn.
  • I got this. I am totally driving. By myself. In Mexico.
  • I AM AMAZING. Seriously, they should give out prizes for this crap.
  • Oh God Mac just farted the worst fart in the history of everything in the world. How do I roll down the window!?
  • Okay, so there's the post office. On the other side of the road. Just gotta find the next retornable. (Lots of 2-way streets here have medians, and thus, just about every 30 feet in Monterrey there is what's called a Retornable, where you can legally do a U-turn.)
  • There ARE retornables on this street, right? RIGHT!? Oh God where am I?
  • I knew this was going to happen. I'm lost and alone and I'm going to die.
  • OH! OH THERE'S ONE. Consider me retornable-d!
  • BWAH Speed bump! Sorry Mac.
  • Sweet, okay, made it. Just gonna go get my box like a normal, everyday person who does not have a crippling fear of being behind the wheel of a vehicle because of her discomfort with how crazy the entire nation of drivers around her is.*
  • Success. Package aquired. Even if it is a little on the "worse for wear" side. Time to go home, plus one package, minus one guilt trip about not having driven the car. Perfect.
  • Oh geeze, what does that light mean?
  • Oh it went away.
  • Does that mean it's fixed? Or that the light is broken? Cripes.
  • Good lord, reversing into traffic is almost as horrible as turning left.*
  • Almost home Mac-Attack. Who's a good puppy. You are. Yes you are! My little puppy-love.
  • FOCUS, Kp.
  • Again though, what is this stupid road and what lane should I be in?
  • Oop, speed bump. Caught it that time. Bonus.
  • Which button is the right one for the gara- oh, not that one.
  • We made it! Yay!
  • ...why was I so nervous about that?
I'm totally gonna go to Wal-Mart tomorrow and reward myself with a CD to listen to in the car. Just watch me. Bull, meet horns. I am all over this driving in Mexico business.

*I have an unbelievable aversion to turning left, even in the states. I hate it. I always feel like I'm going to get t-boned. If there isn't a signal light, I have been known to in fact take three rights instead. Is that a little too close to a ticket on the crazy train? Whatever, me and this blog, all about 100% disclosure. You know, except for all that other stuff I thought and didn't tell you.

Please tell me you have some stupid irrational fear like this.
Because I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested (no she didn't.)

Random Section Time!

1. Both Fiance and Mac are feeling under the weather. In fiance, this manifests itself in snoring so loud that you would swear a grizzly bear was fighting a loosing battle with a rabid badger inside his nostrils.

In Mac, it manifests itself in farting in such a foul manner that you would swear something dead came back to life just long enough to crawl into his butt and die again then start decomposing? Too much? Well that's what it smells like. It also means he's a bit of a mess today, hence the uncropped or color-corrected sketches... no time between cleaning up vomit and... well there was other stuff to clean up. Ugh.

What I'm saying is that I'm really thankful today for comfy couches located out of Fiance's snore-range, and for strongly-scented candles. Always good to be grateful for what you've got, thought I'd share.

2. We're going to Cancun! When? Soonish. Fiance brought plane tickets home last night. I'm pretty pumped.

3. I hear some of y'all got a good amount of snow dumped on you. Actually, I got this news in the form of one of my friends saying "Geeze, wish I was out there with y'all in the nice warm sunshine." It is flipping cold here today. 0* celsius. Which is not by any means a tundra, but that little space heater and I have been best buds all day. Last week we wore t-shirts and shorts to go car-shopping. WTF weather?

4. I tidied up the lady-cave today (we have a 3 bedroom house, which turned into a master bedroom, a man-cave, and a lady-cave. The Lady cave is generally where all my craftiness occurs.) I wanted to show off how pretty. And also sneak peak of some etsy monster lurkings...


Jamie said...

I'm irrationally afraid of the found-everywhere-in-Michigan whitetail deer. After two of those f-ers ran into my car in a 14 month time frame a decade ago, I've been known to have mild panic attacks when I see them. Also, I maintain that I DID NOT hit them. They RAN INTO me. Which was just suicidal and dumb.

Jamie said...

Aaaand that posted 4 times. Hope you have edit/delet capabilities.

Kp said...

Hahaha, I woke up this morning and was like "5 comments! I'm totally the most popular girl at the dance!" No worries Jamie, I fixed your comment from the posting. No charge.